Chinese new year. It has been an eventful festive season I would say. But lets start with the happy part.

It was a great time, having steamboat with my whole family. And by whole I mean my brother included. Its the first of about 6 years? Or longer. Cant remember cos it was too long ago.  

Visited my grandmother. I used to hate going over to my grandparents place because it was boring and I didnt understand anything. But recently, I have a new love for my grandmother. I see how her face lights up when we visit her and how sad she is when we leave. Im sure it must be boring, being physically unable to do many things, which might result in boredom. 

Also went for a cycle with my dad and brother to ECP. I ALMOST DIED. honestly, my legs were dying. Guess I'm not as strong as i think i am. Physically and mentally. 

The cycle started out well. But when the two guys went faster and faster, I really couldn't keep up and I didnt want to drag them behind. Even though they said it was fine, call it ego, but I really didn't want them to go by my pace because of my inadequacy. 

That caused some arguments and everything was fine, or so I thought. But as I sat by the beach and thought about how I could have handled the situation better, I realized many things, things that I don't like hearing. 

- how my insecurities can be seen from the incident

- how immature I am in handling situations 

- how being reactive towards other people is a huge problem. I've been aiming to be able to handle things people say or do without being reactive, but its really so difficult sometimes. Especially since I tend to talk before I think. 

And this has cost me a brother maybe. when I was reacting to the things my brother said to me - being stupid and useless, I said some things that hurt him too. We all have wounds that cost more pain then others and I dug up that wound unknowingly. And in return to me digging up the wound, he stabbed me with more hurtful words. 

It was bad. trust me. and now all that my brother has been opening up that seems gone. I really don't think that I will be able to talk to him again. Not because of the fear that he might hurt me again, but because it seems that he's better off without a sister. After all it has been that way for more than half of his life and vice versa. Since we've practically lived without each other since I was 16, going on like this wont make much of a difference. 

But I surprised myself because despite the hurtful words, I was not angry at all. I guess this is the peace of God that guards the heart that the bible talks about. Sure, there was moments of indignation, but I was not really angry angry. 

But for now, all I know is that I really don't want to talk to him anymore. I was too naive really, as he always says. And I know there's this wall that i'm building, that is going to be very hard to tear down in the future, but i don't know how to stop it from building up...

Anyway, here is a picture of the road that I cycled back from ECP that has such a calming effect. 

And I dont know what is it, but taking photos really makes me feel better. Maybe its because its something I really enjoy and I can do... fairly well at. And well, my attempt at being hipster really did the trick in making me feel alot better after all that has happened. I manged to put a smile on my face at least.

And here is my friend, that I would marry if she was a guy. Someone who I learn so much from, and love so so much, who was here for me - literally - through the "ordeal" today. 

So well, eventful cny or not, it's time for a brand new month. 

February, here I come :)